The following note once hung on the wall of the nursing lounge at Mercy Hospital, San Diego. We pulled it down long enough to make a photocopy. You see it here first:
To all new staff nurses – make sure you understand the following:
- 25% of doctors are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
- If it’s too dry, add moisture. If it’s too wet, dry it. Congratulations. You’re a dermatologist.
- Always remember to never say always or never.
- Bleeding is fine. It’s the natural fluids that kill you.
- Treat all patients exactly the same, until they piss you off.
- “Too stupid to live” will someday be a recognized diagnosis.
- Some patients are demonically possessed.
- Learn how to play, “specimen, who’s got the specimen?”
- It is entirely possible to order food from the O.R. phone.
- For some patients, a referral to Doctor Kevorkian is totally appropriate.
- There really is such a thing as a, “shallow gene pool.”
- In this place, we restrain folks even when it isn’t sexual.
- Considering the cooties in hospitals, you will either die young or develop immune systems that can attack kittens on your front lawn.
- When you get home tonight, build a shrine to the makers of Haldol.
- Fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
- At least once a month, you’ll get to hear an administrator muttering, “who in the hell is in charge of this place?”
- Gambling on hospital property is forbidden. Betting on the blood-alcohol level of adolescent male trauma patients is a respected art form.
- Please contain your laughter until you exit the patient’s room.
- Don’t worry. The lab understands if you call to order a “dumb-shit” profile.
- As a condition of employment, you’ll be expected to sign the petition demanding aerial spraying of Prozac over downtown.
- You will learn to compute the brain-cell-to-tattoo ratio.
- Refrain from uttering “great veins” when meeting family members. It just makes them nervous.
- Someday your nursing shoes will be enshrined at the CDC.
- If you choose to slap a doctor for grabbing your breasts, try to wait until after the procedure.
God bless nurses. They stand on the front lines with no firearms at all.
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